Painful, but I don't want to forget.

As most of you are aware. I was about 16 1/2 weeks pregnant as of last Wednesday. Unfortunately during a routine Dr.'s appt. My Doctor was unable to detect the heart beat. So we went downstairs to the ultrasound room and did the ultrasound. My heart sank when I could not see any tiny flickering of the heartbeat or any fetal movement. My mind rushed back more than 6 years ago when the exact same thing happened in the exact same way. Questions of why? What did I do wrong? Was there anything I could have done to prevent this? How am I going to break the news to everybody I had told? Why did my heart have to be broken AGAIN? I was a wreck. I was alone about 30 minutes from home. I called Jeff and told him the news, and at first I don't think he believed me, until I started sobbing. I cried all the way home from the Dr.s office.

When I got home Jeff was waiting outside for me. We came inside and sat the kids down to tell them the news. Ian started crying and Morgan (only 3 1/2) didn't understand what was happening. All along during my pregnancy she thought that she had a baby growing inside her too, and when we told her that the baby died, she said that her baby died too.

I had to wait until Monday to go to the hospital for my induction. We dropped the kids off to my sisters house around 7, and headed to the hospital. When I went to admitting, they asked me what I was there for. All I told them was that I was scheduled for an induction, when the girl admitting me asked me when my LMP (last menstrual period) was, she asked me again what I was there for with a lot of question in her voice and eyes, and I had to tell her that it was for a 2nd trimester miscarriage.

On the way up to labor and delivery I was feeling mostly numb, I was hoping that I would wake up from this really bad dream and that it would all go away. As I passed the nursery and saw a few newborn babies, my heart broke and I broke down, I couldn't hold my emotions in any longer. The nurses saw me coming and quickly put me in my room and were very compassionate. I was prepped for the induction and the waiting game began at around 8:30. I wasn't feeling contractions or cramping until my 3rd dose of drugs, and then the contractions came on full force by 4 pm. The delivery was fairly quick and we were able to spend some time with the baby before they took him (yes it was a boy) away. When I had this happen before we decided that we didn't want to go through a burial, so we opted to do the same thing this time.

Both the hospitals that we have been to have been very kind and sweet to us and giving us the needed time to be with our baby. They sent us home with memory boxes with a small blankets and enough room for us to put anything else that we want to. I have to admit that they are extremely painful to get out and look at and it gets easier and easier over time. I know it's part of the healing process and I don't want to forget about these 2 tiny boys that I have lost, and I know that someday I will see them and they will be a part of our eternal family. I know that they were too perfect to come to this earth and my Heavenly Father has other plans for them and me as a mother.

I'm so grateful for those that have served me during this time, with dinners, a quick call, a text message and facebook messages, you have warmed my heart and I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful support system.

The one on the left is from April 19, 2004 & the on on the right is from October 11, 2010

I've been busy

A few weekends ago we drove up to Brigham City to buy some fresh delicious peaches. When we got to one of the many fruit stands that there are available I contemplated buying more than 2 baskets full of peaches. Boy, was I glad that Jeff talked me out of buying just 2, because I spent the next week canning all those peaches (and eating a few a long the way). I made about 25 quart jars of peaches and 25 1/2 pint jars of peach preserves. I LOVE the way my food storage looks with all those pretty jars. My next task is to finish the tomatoes that I have sitting on my counter from our garden before they go bad.